Flying low

When I reached home this evening, I discovered my flies were undone. I’m trying to think back to how long it could have been undone, but I can’t think. It’s not something I have done before. Oddly, it actually felt good. Liberating. It certainly wasn’t intentional. Oh god does that make me a perv or flasher or something? It makes me wonder, do all the people who I see flying low do so deliberately?

What if everyone in the whole world were flying low at the same time by accident. Does that make it acceptable?

hmm

Brazil

I get my deforestation done in a little salon a few doors down from the office. Over the past couple of days, I’ve spotted the lady who does my bits wondering around and I find it really weird. My knee jerk reaction is to duck for cover, or hide behind someone. It was cool in Dobuy when the people who did that kind of work were nowhere to be seen. But it feels like this woman is following me… arrghh!

Being polite

My primary objective whilst visiting Kyoto was to really embrace the Japanese culture and become at one with it. What better way to accomplish this than to partake in one of the nations’ favorite pastime…Karaoke! It would have been rude not to.

I ditched my work colleagues and ventured out to a party. Don’t get me wrong, I do like my work colleagues, however they are not always reliable when it comes to having a good night out (when I want to).

During a rather dull networking party, I came across a couple of guys I’d met a few nights ago at another boring party. Resigned to the fact that we were not going to bother mingling anymore (because everyone had hairy ears), we starting throwing back the Moet. I suggested Karaoke, to which we all agreed.

One of the guys was joined by his nerdy colleague; a spitting image of Ben Stiller, very straight laced, law grad and highly enthusiastic, he was completely in ‘networking mode’ started asking me questions. I told him I was a cleaner in a bid to stop the questioning. A ‘networker’ is no longer interested when the person is of no importance. Needless to say, the questioning stopped.

Anyhoo, hours later we were all belting out classic tracks and ruining any good song you could imagine, however Ben Stiller was the source of my entertainment all night. He found the diva within and hogged the mic all night. Choosing songs like ‘Careless Whisper’ classics by Phil Collins and any other male vocalist, he was singing like he was in stage. It would have been impressive had he been able to sing, but he was quite bad. On occasions he would grip his fists, digging deep to hit those high notes. We were rolling all over barely able to breathe in fits of laughter.

Icing on the cake was when he made a note of the make and model of the machine as he wants to buy one for his lounge!

Thoughts in Kyoto

I hate that cyclist’s cycle on footpaths and seem to have right of way.

They are soo polite here; their mobile phones have “polite mode” which means “silent mode” elsewhere.

Constantly seem to be painfully hungry. I LOVE sushi but hate junk sushi!

Japanese toothpaste doesn’t have enough fluoride in it and it tastes awful.

Bowing to everyone two or three times quite easily becomes a habitual norm (for me anyway). I hope I don’t get twatted when I return to London.

So can’t be bothered to say thank you after every sentence.

Wonder what would happen if I pretended I had tourette’s on the tube?

I’d so love to let rip a fog-hornesque burp while walking down the street.

Why are there so many people carrying bows and arrows?

Stoned

I am in the land of the rising sun, in a city I have longed to visit again since I left. I just cannot seem to peel myself away from my bed and I am constantly parched drinking four or five bottles of water a day. I don’t want to talk to anyone. All I want to do is stay in my dingy little room with no mini bar and haven’t even turned on the TV. On the 9th floor with a kinda sorta view, but I just keep the musty brown curtains drawn preferring the dark, whilst stealing the odd cigarette in the portaloo toilet.

What is wrong? Is it THAT thing? Surely not, I’m quite sure it’s not. I’ll just go back into bed and have a think about this one.

Sand and stones

I was so pleased to meet a local cab driver that spoke English. Obviously I started bombarding him with the most inane questions;

Me: Where is a good place to see nice rock garden with sand and stones.
Cabby: Ah Ryoanji Temple. Buta mosta Japanese do not understand philosophy of sand and a stones.

Me: Where can I see a Geisha?
Cabby: Go to Gion district for around 5pm as that is when they start their 'work'.

Me: *really really wanted to ask.. so are they basically whores?* So is it a good job for girls and something they want to be when they grow up like pop star or astronaut?
Cabby: (laughing) Not really. Rich men use them for companions
Me: *Do they perform sexual favors?* What do they do?
Cabby: Make tea, sing special songs and perform dance and companion.
Me: *Ahh so they are whores!*

Me: I really like your flag
Cabby: Most a Japanese don’t like flag because of what happened in war.

Okay, time to stop for now. I have him for another three days, so best not wear him down.

Doors of cabs open and shut without you having to lift a finger. They really don't like touching things or people at all which suits me just fine!

Feeling Japanese

If you thought British people were polite, Japanese really take the biscuit with sugar on top. 60% of an encounter involves saying thank you and good-bye… the rest is irrelevant. I found gentle amusement as I was going about my work chores and eventually rather enjoyed the excessive inadvertent display of gratitude. Soon as I walk into a shop I say hello to everyone and thank the cab driver a squillion times when disembarking. A complete contrast to Dobuy where I found myself calling the cab drivers “crooks” before slamming the door shut.

Found in translation

I love it how they muttered politely to me in what sounded like thanking me for each purchase made as they checked through my bottle of water, toothpaste, chopsticks and sushi. Well they start each sentence with Arigato, so one can only assume they are possibly thanking you for “buying the bottle of water, toothpaste, chopsticks etc”. When it came to the toothpaste, I had to gesticulate as though I was brushing my teeth and then point to what looked like a tube of toothpaste. The lovely lady giggled and looked down bashfully and nodded. Bless her. Well I had to be sure as there were no clues as to what was in the tube. Well apart from the fact it was placed next to toothbrushes :-P

Navigating Kyoto is far less intimidating than it was six years ago. It makes jumping on a train to a remote part of a far east fishing village and become a fisherlady far more tempting!

A blink of an eye.

I actually did forget my password this time!

Made an ever so brief trip to Dobuy after having left in a torrid cloud of irritation 1.5 years ago. Incredibly anxious with mixed feelings, I couldn't understand why I'd been avoiding returning and why I was secretly dreading going but knew I had to.

Did the usual; sunned, shopped, socialised, drunk too much followed by puking and pampered self with a good few hours of people watching and laughing for good measure. While i was sat there getting my hair done with the beautician I frequented on a weekly basis for 3.5 years. Chatting to her felt like I’d never left...in some ways it was a little comforting.

It was a very short trip, but a moment longer would have bored me senseless. I had the time of my life there for a blink of an eye...

Common people

Jakarta.

Rock up to Shangri-La hotel feelin thoroughly spoilt after my trip to China and Malaysia. I was told to check in on the club suite. Get in lift, I text my cousin

Me: “I’ve been told to check in club suite… do you have anything to do with this”
Cuz “Of course! I am a premium guest in Shangri – La and there is no way I am going to have my cousin staying with the common people. See you at 7pm for free drinks!”

Check in and the lady follows me into my room telling me where everything is and how everything works. They bring me a drink to my room. I do the usual, check out the view and then the bathroom… so this is how the other half live! This is followed by ordering a “dual massage” in my room ;-)

Later I meet my cousin who coincidentally had a business trip in Jakarta the same week as me. The usual antics of loud laughter and constant piss take… we take no prisoners! His phrase of the day “how do the common people live” He’s my fav cousin!

Dish of the day

Never in my life have I ever laughed so much whenst first I sat down for a meal. Friend and I moseyed to restaurant next to my hotel in Beijing. Too busy laughing to make a note of anymore. Opened the menu and here is a selection from the menu.

- Old vinegar hibernation of insects first

- The earthen jar salt of ancient law mends chickens with cramps

- Meat on oxes face

- Only the crab of large floodgate braises officer’s swallow originally

- Fuk into someone

- Give birth to and have a liking for the bullfrog

- The oil mends deep sea three gift fish with cramps

- Top pair tries ones utmost

- Duck’s profit is fried to reveal the bamboo shoot.

We probably offended the staff from our tears, but hey I won’t be going back there any time soon.

DIY

oh my, it has been a while since i visited here. It took me a while to remember my login password!

Since we last spoke I moved into my new flat. It was as bare as old mother hubbarbs cupboard. Well you’d hope that was the case being a new place! No what I meant was, all I had to move into the place were boxes of cd’s, dvd’s, books shoes, handbags and clothes.

Finally bits of furniture are arriving but incredibly annoying none of them deliver on Saturdays. I have only had to complain once so far and have been adequately rewarded with vouchers J

Oh I also decided to pick up the phone and call tech support to get my broadband sorted. The router was lying there for 1 month before I could be arsed to do so. I was surfing on a neighbors’ connection, which was a bit naughty of me, but didn’t feel too bad as I was still paying for mine but wasn’t using it. So it’s quite retarded actually.

I’ve become quite the DIY chick with all my painting and even tiling my bathroom! The tiles are still up on the wall. But I did forget to wipe the cement off the tiles, so now they are all lumpy with cement on the front J I’ve been told a brillo pad and elbow will get rid of that. I can see how a brillo pad will help, but not elbows (mental note, google it).

Never thought I’d see the day where I got excited about buying a bin! Suddenly I have lots of rubbish to dispose of and frequently pay a visit to the bin.

Righty I’m off to assemble my wardrobe.

Herculeez herculeez!

Another year

It's that time of year again. I don't make New Year's resolutions when you can do this every minute of every day. Not one to be a killjoy; if i had any, they would be;

- Join a gym. Since returning to Blighty, i haven't done much exercise apart from walking and lifting things when i moved.

- Read more. Can't seem to get past 20 pages of any books of late.

- Stop smoking. i do this on a monthly basis, so had to throw it in.

- Singing. Hmm, no comment.

- Wear more colours. Actually that's not going to happen.

- Oh and no more headfucks and weirdos in my life. Flushing them out for good.

Well that's about it. Quite boring and generic. I'll check in after 6 months and see how well we're doing.

New Year's plans? After the most disastrous ’05 / ’06, this year has a lot to make up for. One of my favorite girls in the whole world is in town, so I’m staying over for some delectable Iranian food, Moet, good wine and a marathon reminiscin’ n bitchin’ session.

Spit on my shoe

On my way to the Great Wall minding my own business, I was caught in the cross fire of someone’s phlegm. A perfect green formation was stuck to my new trainers. My first reaction was to jump up and down like a sledgehammer had dropped on my toe. Fortunately friend had baby wet wipes in her bag.

Snakes n ladders

I moved into my own place. I finally stepped on that ladder. Can’t help but wonder why this is such a poignant moment in a person’s life. I’ve never been in debt before, but now what is perceived as a joyous occasion actually means I have signed my life away to 25 years of debt. I will squander the next 4 – 6 months spending more money on the four walls of space I have signed away to a bank. I will paint the walls. Buy “things” to sit on, sleep on, eat off of, eat with and drink out of. Buy things to watch, things use when you are wet, things to dry, things to help you dry and things to keep things. And, all these things need things to help you achieve the functions. Oh lordy what have I done. I already feel like renting it out and going on a long holiday.

Wanted

"Female flatmate. Professional, aged 25-30. Hermit with an obsessive compulsion to clean the entire flat on a weekly basis. Favourite past time is ironing clothes and cleaning toilets. Prefers to take showers in the gym with the habit of over paying on rent."

I've seen stranger things happen! I'll post this in that weekly grubby paper and see what comes up.

All change in the big ship

Much to the surprise of everyone, my boss resigned two weeks ago. We're all still getting used to the idea of the moody workaholic not being around. I've never known anyone to work as hard as him and to get so little recognition for it.

I learnt early in my professioal career that if you're going to put in the extra hours (which rarely happens in Media Sales!), then your boss and boss' boss have to know about it. If you so happen to be working very early or late, then there must be some pressing email which needs urgent attention of your boss at these hours. Gone are the days where you can alert your PC to send the email at a certain time, so now your boss will know you are working at the hours the email arrives.
We used to refer to this method of brown nosing as "remote browning".

Anyhoo, given the imminent departure of my boss, you'd a thunk he would chill the fug out and become more chirpsome...but nnoOOooo. So far this week he has been so chilly that I've constantly got erect nipples - so much so, i've resorted to cellotaping them down.

Gobby, nosey tosser colleague has moved on to another magazine thank god! I still do not understand how he got promoted as he hardly did any work during his time working on my product. Saying that, whilst he was, his ability to brown nose had fine tuned to perfection. He surreptitiously worked on building a little step ladder which aided his ability to climb further up the crack of my boss with laces barely visible.

Also, his timing of dropping colleagues in the shits was absolutely inspiring, impeccable knack of giving the impression he actually does work was flawless - but at the end of the day, the numbers speaketh louder than the cockney crap which farts out of his gob...which is why everyone on our product CANNOT understand how this wideboy got where he did.

He's a cockney wide boy and sounds like he should be selling potatoes at a market stall, however his public school boy act is the most hilarious thing ever. Clearly he is uncomfortable with who he is, deeply insecure hence the sly underhandedness fuckwitted behaviour.

Anyhoo, that aside, given that my boss is leaving there have been some changes here. It will be tres interesting to see how things develop over the coming months and incredibly exciting opportunities lie ahead. I have already started plantation of the seeds which will grow into a BIG APPLE in a year or so ;-) ...

Blagging it

Journey to work was interesting...the strong smell of puke and dogshit reeked my head into a dizzy state. I was also thinking how cool it would be to have "Von" in my name somewhere to punctuate it; Regina Von Filangee. It's got this dark lady ring to it. Anyhoo, it's something I will work on when i renew my passport. If my parents ask, I will just say I was made a "Lady" and this is my new title - my father will be ever so proud to know his daughter has a title in her name.

Just before lunch today, my boss plonked the FT in front of me and strongly advised I attend a conference and pose as a journalist! Ok, I will rock up to this conference in my leather Matrix coat, summer sandals and my name badge reading Regina Von Filangee - Senior Writer, asking questions about economic and financial transformation in the European Banking sector! We can all tell from my blog that this is clearly not my area of speciality!

What if I am asked to interview the CEO of a company again? Lsst time it happened, my response was; "Sorry, I have to chair a discussion on the Asian equity capital markets..honestly I would love to have otherwise". Don't have a clue what it meant, i had just read it in a magazine that morning.

Right, off to make a cuppa and seriously scheme how to get out of this conference thingy!

more pressing issues later.

Too da loo

I've finally had to succumb and use the restrooms on an airplane. Well they are not restrooms; they are plain and simple bogs. I HATE using toilets on planes.

Firstly having to share with men is grossly disgusting and why on earth doesn't the separate men’s n lady’s loos apply at 30,000 feet? The cubicles are so small, they should be called pubicles and over 200 people use the facilities within the ten hours and you just don't see anyone cleaning the toilets in that timeframe.

My last trip I managed to hold it for twelve hours each way; my world record is sixteen hours, but I’m quite sure I’ve done my bladder some perma damage after that marathon holding session.

This time I had to go and was pleasantly surprised at my discovery of the disposable seat cover...fantastic! I only piled three bits of tracing paper to cover up the seat. It sure beats squatting - not the most enjoyable exercise, especially when you hit turbulence and before you know it you're pissing all over the walls.

There's simply nothing in comparison to sitting on the throne at home.

Still incredibly disappointed with the soap dispensers though; stingy, tight and cheapass comes to mind. You press it ten times and barely enough comes out to wash your pinkie.

To this day, I still do not understand why people do not lock the door when they go to the loo on the plane. It just doesn't add up. You walk in, there's a sign which says "please lock the door" and the lights do not come on unless you lock the door, so you are reminded to lock the door.

Next time someone tuts at me for opening a door which says "vacant" whilst they got their crusty pants around their ankles, I'm going to make a pubic announcement on the airplane to embarrass them further!

Seriously?

Questions on US immigration card, followed by answers I would like to have submitted!

Do you have communicable disease; physical or mental?

Well my therapist says i'm speschul - does that count?

Have you ever been arrested or convicted for an offense or crime, or are you seeking entry to engage in criminal or immoral activities?

Yes i was arrested for shop lifting sweets when I was 4 and a half and am seeking to gain entry to shop lift sweets from candy stores along the west coast. I will also open a lesbian prostitute brothel.

Have you ever been or are you involved in espionage or sabotage or terrorist activities or genocide between 1933-1945, and involved in anyway in persecutions associated with nazi germany?

No, I was not born then but I know someone who was. In fact they helped me pack my suitcases whilst i left it unattended and they put sharp objects in my hand luggage.

Have you ever detained or retained or witheld custody of a child from US citizens granted custody of the child?

Course not, I hate kids and they should be locked up at the back of the aeroplane.

Have you ever asserted immunity from persecution?

Yes, I have claimed immaculate conception with Bush being my bastard son.